Monochrome World

Call it what you want

2012-03-02T23:25:00.002+08:00

I'm doing things my own way.

Hating this feeling of being a burden. I don't care if they asked for it by having kids in the first place but I absolutely detest this idea of me being indebted to them. Why is it that I can't just open my mouth, open my palm and ask for money whenever I need it? I wonder.

Shame eats me away from inside every time I take money from them. I know it's the only way I'll ever be able to survive at my age but whenever I think about the growing debt I become afraid. What if I won't be able to repay it? Will I even be able to do so?

Yeah apparently we all already owe them our lives anyway (even though we're mere products of pleasure, PoP as I would call it), so there's no way I'll ever be able to get myself rid of this guilt. Life sucks. But I don't wanna grow old either. This is stupid Gen you are stupid.

On a side note, I've been pretty hooked onto Foster The People songs lately. They're distinct and catchy heh!

The Way

2012-02-19T19:11:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry to disappoint but I don't ever intend to do whatever you expect (hope) that I do.

To be perfectly honest, I am not even that religious anymore.

I don't know when it started, but I get more and more disgusted every time I hear you guys talking about chapel stuff, morals and whatnot.

It is not me who has been negatively influenced; it is you who has made me disillusioned.

I do not see the point in spending so much time and energy on something so ritualistic, so judgmental and self-righteous.

No, I am not about to go start killing people and committing crimes just because I no longer go for classes and chant scriptures.

But I am not going to encourage people to come to chapel either. I am not going to become one of you small-minded conservative bigots.

I am saying it very clear here, putting it nicely.

I do not, and will never intend to swear some stupid oath.

And as long as I am answerable to myself, I do not see the need to pray.

I still do believe in a higher being - but who are you to judge me for not following your ideals?

I have had enough of your hypocrisy.

I will go my own way.

I don't know

2012-02-18T00:18:00.002+08:00

How I can be so happy and crazy in the day.

When I feel like crying, feel so empty when night descends.

My life is blessed and I am loved.

But why is it that I feel this loneliness, this sadness, this...

I don't know anymore.

Nothing

2012-02-15T23:26:00.002+08:00

I cannot help but think that I am a different person when the sun sets.

Solitude and silence gives too much space for thoughts.

Hours more to become me again.

Or is 'me' non-existent already?

Who knows.

I see nothing.

Serendipity

2012-02-02T23:45:00.002+08:00

The title says it all.

I don't regret going to Victoria at all. In fact, I'm extremely glad that I didn't get into HC/RJ - how could I have met so many amazing people, made so many good friends (in the span of a mere three days) and be in a class with such awesome people otherwise!

CYCLOPS 6 is the best sub-OG group EVER.

I don't know what happened but we're just so bonded and somehow we are all fun-loving people (and sickos SERIOUSLY) so I really enjoyed my time with C6 no matter how short it was officially. Our OGLs (Papa and Mama ;P) definitely played a huge role in bonding us as well - they're equally, if not even more crazy. I think it's the latter to be honest. HAHAHAHA maybe this is what Victoria does to everyone (:

I find myself counting my blessings and thanking whoever it is up there that let me come into VJ because there is no other school that is so enthusiastic, and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

It's been really hectic and tiring these few days (especially with travelling) but no one can deny that it was fun. I deem the people in my OG as the key factor <3

12A11 - an amazing class with six ex-SN girls, and 14 equally fantastic classmates. The small class size and 'high' people made today's class orientation extremely fun and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's outdoor rumble~

Anyway, I'm loving my life as of now. Everything about Victoria is fantastic (except the distance though :X)

/proud to be a Victorian

2012-01-16T01:42:00.002+08:00

VBWDUZQQRH NJGTLTDCRA RGPTJWGSRS BJUWWWEPXJ LDIEUWMSCK ME

Daddy's girl

2012-01-15T22:24:00.004+08:00

There are so many things that I want to say, but they become a jumbled mess of images in my head every time I try to express them in words. Following this disclaimer of incoherence will be a feeble attempt to 'blog'.

Firstly, there was results day.

Food tasted like cardboard the night before 9 January 2012. There are little words that can describe the series of emotions that I felt. Dread morphed to fear which transformed into relief and eventually happiness between the moment I received my result slip and when I saw my form A. Let's not go into the anxiousness in the wait as friends go up on stage one by one with seven, eight, nine, ten and eleven A1s.

On results day, I cried because I was overjoyed. I still had a chance to go to HC!

Various things happened in the process of decision-making, and I made an unexpected change in my first choice. Taking into consideration of CCAs, practicality (distance), friends, environment and facilities, RJ seemed to appeal more despite HC being my dream school since secondary three. It's hard to say what exactly made the change but I believe all these factor did.

Next, it was the day after results day.

10th January, after going for RJ open house 2012. I felt that 7 points wasn't good enough suddenly. Looking at everyone who did better than me, who has a better chance of getting into the school I want to get in, I wondered why didn't I study harder for O's. But that was already too late of course. I had to get over my own sense of inferiority. I had to.

Saturday, 14th January.

Had a makeup workshop in the afternoon and missed AX's reunion lunch. But that wasn't the highlight of the day.

All-out shout-fest in the car with my dad which resulted in me being so angry I cried (as usual) and both my dad and I cursing and swearing at each other. His inferiority complex acted up again and I was just taking it until he scolded my mom along with me.

Didn't expect it, but that was what set my fuse off.

I told him, 'If you want to scold me, go ahead. Don't you fucking scold my mother.'

Of course it would sound cooler and calmer here but truth be told, I choked at 'Don't'.

Cutting the long story short, apparently I did too well and he thought I looked down on him 'just because [I] think [I'm] very smart'. And he said I picked up 'bad habits from [my] CHIJ'. It may be the elitism that I mentioned offhandedly during dinner one night, but he has to realise that I never looked down on him until he blamed me for his inferiority.

It is one thing to not feel good enough, but another to blame others for it.

Not only was it plain despicable, it was utterly disgusting in my eyes.

It was the very first time I felt so miserable being in this family, and I couldn't even feel the tiniest bit happy anymore at my own results.

And so as always he's apologetic after cooling down, with himself knowing fully well how hotheaded he can be. Again and again this happens. Again and again I break.

I always tell myself I will never cry because of him again when we quarrel.

I always tell myself that I'll never forgive him.

But at the end of the day, or rather at the start today (in the morning), he came over, gave me a hug and with a simple sentence, I cry even now just thinking about it.

Daddy loves you.

Stupid, stupid me

2012-01-07T00:49:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged, but I doubt anyone is reading this anyway.

I'm supposed to be on a long break but somehow I'm just feeling very tired these two months.

With staying in CCK for more than a month, working and going out (owing money), I don't even feel like I had a proper rest since O's.

And results are just two days away.

Sigh.

It's okay, I'm going to take whatever I get.

This is not the end.

We deserve all the luck in the world.

Shall blog about USS some other day (:

Incoherence

2011-10-25T01:01:00.002+08:00

Fuck why did such a big thing happen while I was cut off from the internet world?

I want the old NEWS back.

I get that we'll never have nine again but. Why did six drop to four?

Yamapi.

You're definitely my bias. You've always been. But why. Why. You were completely fine having solo activities while still remaining as part of NEWS. You were the leader. You left. You promised you wouldn't, but you still did.

'Please wait for us. We will never betray you.'

Lies. We waited. I was looking forward to another release after Tegomass no Mahou, hoping that one day, perhaps years down the road, that I could possibly fly to Japan to attend one of your concerts. Not Yamashita Tomohisa's, but NEW's. I remember spamming myself with all the NEWS concert DVDs, crying for the suspension in 2006 even though it had been long over while laughing at all the antics of the six of you.

Ryo.

You had always been part of both NEWS and Kanjani8. You said that you were closer to Tokyo Juniors than Kansai Juniors. You were busy for almost eight years being active in both groups and you suddenly decide that you can't take it? I don't understand. It's tough but.

I never actually treated fandom so seriously in my life before today.

Even when I cried when Hankyung left Suju, it was different.

This. It's like there's a rock tied to my heart. A gaping hole left behind the impact. Numb. A choke. Tears. If this was the feeling of Cassies when DBSK broke apart, I apologized for thinking that you guys were over-reacting in the past.

Because when you're an outsider, you can say logical things like 'it's for the best' and 'it's their decision' or 'you can still support them individually'. When you've invested so much of your time, your energy, your emotions on people, or a group of people. To be happy when you see them smile, to cry when they shed tears. To feel warmth spread through your entire being when you hear their songs, to just. Be a real fan. When you're one, and your supported group falls apart... This feeling is. I don't even. I just feel so hollow.

NEWS had never been active as a group. I understand that.

But NEWS had survived for so long, had every single song they released a number one on Oricons. Doesn't that say something about the support we fans give them? And what about the members left behind? Had anyone considered their feelings? Not once, twice, but they had to face the departure of members five times. KoyaShige and TegoMass are NEWS now. Where is RyoPi? This is not the NEWS I know.

The comments made by Koyama made me cry, but Shige's words broke my heart.

I don't think I will be able to express myself on this well, I'm no good in this, but I want to convey once again how much we're sorry about this for the fans.
It was hurtful and hard also on us of course but I think that it was worse to all of you.
Really...being constantly betrayed...sorry...

Everyone hurt from this break.

So why. I don't fucking care if it's Johnny's decision, or RyoPi's own.

Perhaps it's for their futures (I don't believe shit). Perhaps it's for. I don't know. Because there can be no justification in this. I'm sure many on LJ agrees with me.

It's like how DBSK now refers to only Changmin and Yunho. NEWS in the future will only have four members. It's. Not the same. Never going to be the same. I don't get it. Why couldn't NEWS be like Arashi, or SMAP. Some long-living group and not like KAT-TUN. Jin's case was special. He didn't like KAT-TUN anymore. But Ryopi got along perfectly with the rest. Why.

Listening to the song 'Share' just. Kills me now.

And to think I was happily listening to NEWS songs for motivation and support this morning for O's. This is bad. I've never felt such. Devastation in my life. Due to fandom nonetheless. I don't know how I am supposed to continue being their fan. I know I will. And I still wish RyoPi all the best. But the goodbye tastes bitter, and somehow even acidic. I can't help it.

I really really loved them.

Curtains falling

2011-10-09T22:13:00.002+08:00

I won't deny; I did cry.
Silent tears with burning trails as I hastily wiped them away with the back of my hand. The indescribable emotion that swelled within me during prayers and speeches. I won't even deny that I really felt a surge in confidence. It was truly amazing.

The final day as a student in SN, to be honest, didn't actually feel like a goodbye.
I started the day with giving out the thirty-nine cards I rushed out in one go the night before. Thirty-nine classmates who have been with me for the past two years, thirty-nine wishes for good results. Because we're Hope together, and we'll do this together. Eight hours were spent on the cards instead of studying for exams, but it was time well 'wasted' in my opinion. The whole point of the cards were to encourage my friends anyway, right? As I gave out the cards, I received hugs. From Deskie, Darling, Dear, and I can only hope that they didn't see the tears I blinked away. I am a crybaby after all.

With the better half of the morning spent on showering the Whites with love and blessings, the school really went all-out to make sure we knew that they were behind us. Father Simon, despite not actually being my highlight of the day, did serve to encourage me, in one way or another. The form teachers, however, were the ones who made me cry. Mrs Yeo, thank you for being such a wonderful teacher. You're the best form teacher I've ever had to fortune to have, and the best math teacher I've had in my life. Thank you for never giving up on me despite me giving up on myself last year. You may assign a mountain of homework and rush through lessons like a 'bullet train', but you're still the best. <3

Took a whole lot of photos that day, including class photos and a solo shot with Mrs Yeo. Not to mention camwhore shots with my sweetheart in class! Paka and Wifey were so mean ): THEY DELETED AWESOME PHOTOS. Okay fine, they were unglam inside but. XP We took a cohort picture, the first and last picture with every single White Badge inside. I was actually really happy and touched that Wifey came to join me with my class instead of being with hers. <3 (Shhhhhh)

This brings me back to the next point - how SN has changed my life. For the better, I must add. Because no school would ever be able to compare to the culture here in SN. We work hard, we play hard. We don't bother singing the National Anthem, but we say the school pledge. We curse and swear the school for all the work and stress, but we still love it in the end. This is us, the SN girls. And I'm proud to be one. From a neighbourhood school kid to a proud alumni of SN (yes, we received our associate alumni membership), these four years had definitely proved to be a life-changing journey.

In secondary one, I had Charity. Clement Tan and Du Jia were in charge of us, and despite not particularly liking them a great deal, we survived 2008. It was the first year I knew Wifey too, and she was 'Nini' to me back then. Amanda Loh also came into my life the first year I came into SN, and the banana never changed.

In secondary two, I had Purity. My very first desk partner was Paka, and I'm glad that we came so far together despite having been in the same class for only one out of the four years. 2009 was also the year that Wifey and I became best friends. 090909 will remain in my heart forever <3

In secondary three and four, I had Hope. Yes. I still have hope, because the forty of us are always going to be Presidentially Yours, and will get our ten-course dinner at MBS.
Yes, we're going to make it.
Whites, Hope, SN. I love you.

Positivity

2011-09-23T22:38:00.003+08:00

So I've officially quitted Twitter (well, I'll try to keep to it) this afternoon, and Facebook's next on the list. When the clock strikes twelve tonight, I shall no longer exist on these two social networking sites that I check almost compulsively every single day.

I just want to make a happy post for once, the first in a very long while.

To push down all the negative things (literally too) and keep myself motivated.

It's one month. Just another month and it'll mark the start of an end.

So Prelims have ended, and since this is a rather late post about it, I've already received some results too. Which brings me to my next point that I really have to do whatever I can in this last thirty days. Come 24 October 2011, I will not crumble or even be shaken. I will survive that twenty-two days and emerge victorious.

The fingers on my left hand are hurting rather badly now. Well, not 'pain' per se, but this raw feeling after constant chafing and subjected to friction... Sore? Yeah I guess that's it. I've been rather obsessed with my guitar again lately (a bad time, really) and have been playing almost everyday for at least two to three hours straight. Today was four hours and it feels good to be able to do something like that, but I really wonder why am I doing that when I should be studying. :/

Nevertheless, I will triumph over my natural bitchiness and be a happy girl.

Two more months. Two months from now, I can play my guitar for the whole day and no one would care. My whole list of things to do after O's awaits me. As for now, I shall be good and go study. Or sleep early.

#Positivity

Just sayin'

2011-09-21T15:00:00.003+08:00

So I resisted the urge to just tell you in the face or sms you about this again today.

You know, you're my very good friend. You're special and mean a lot to me.

But this doesn't mean that you have the right to decide whether or not I'm telling the truth, or force me to do things, to obey your every command.

How many times have I insisted that I really did what you thought I did not? And you still refuse to believe me. Do you have any idea what kind of feeling it is, to be doubted by one of your closest friends, and even when you're telling the truth no one believes you? Yes, I may have a different definition of the action or perhaps even lied a few times about it but that does not give you any right to say otherwise, okay? You 'make me' because you think I should. Yes, you think I should. But I don't. So even if it is 'for my own good' or whatever, I do not appreciate it if it's too much okay. And these days, it really has been a little over the top. No matter how much I may seem like a kid to you (guys if you include other people who share the same sentiment as you), I am not one. You are my friend, and not my mother, or anyone, for that matter, who can decide for me what I ought to do, and what I ought to not do. I'm not being bitchy or anything (maybe I am, who knows) but I'd like to have a little respect thanks.

I'm saying this now, saying this here, because I do not want to just snap one day and hurt our friendship over this. And because I'm really that close to snapping already.

It may just be my pmsing talking again. If you happen to see this, and know that I'm talking about you, don't take it the wrong way, really. I just need to say something about this - not scolding you or anything.

Please, no matter what, do not try to do what you did again today.

Maybe it had been my fault to not have asked, to simply assume that it would have been like any other of our sessions. If you want to ask me out to study with you, to ditch classes, I will because it's you. Because you asked me to. But if it's going to be for only two hours and you expect me to just go back to the library like some loner, then next time just don't ask me along. Or at least give me a warning, some informing that it wouldn't be long, so I won't feel as left behind as today. I hate that feeling.

Oh and these days, you've been really sarcastic. I wonder if you realised but it has a sharper edge than your usual sarcasm. And the feeling that you don't give a damn is coming back again, like talking to me is a waste of your time. Again, it may be due to my pms. I may be overly sensitive and unreasonable. But yes, honestly, you've successfully made me invent reasons to end our conversation quite a few times lately. Not because I don't want to talk to you any longer, but because I can tell you don't want to talk to me. That tone is back, by the way. That tone you had some months ago. I find it quite hard to continue talking sometimes.

I still love you but yes. I'm being a bitch so. Sorry. I just really needed to let you know. And I'm too much of a coward to say anything to you directly. Thank you for bearing with my idiocy and bitching till the very end. <3

2011-09-19T22:48:00.002+08:00

I keep asking myself what I did wrong.

And keep wondering why you're not talking to me.

Then I try to assure myself that 'it's all in my head, it's not real'. That it was merely my childish insecurities acting up again, that I was thinking too much.

But I think, and I really can't help but think, that I am unwanted.

Unneeded. No longer a part of your life that

We haven't talked properly for... Days. Weeks. I lost count.

Are we not able to communicate without the internet? I really wonder.

Had friendship had regressed to such a standstill. Where both sides don't actively seek each other out any longer. Is it like that?

Maybe it's just my PMS.

But you don't seem to even care any more.

Okay I'm being really selfish right now. Maybe you really hadn't meant to not reply.

It's just me again. Stupid me.

Sorry.

I miss you.

2011-09-18T11:59:00.001+08:00

I shall reiterate my Primary Three diary entry - my mother is a bitch.

Screw filial piety and all my guilt as I type this. I have to get it out somewhere.

Failure.

2011-09-18T00:55:00.002+08:00

I have come to realise the power of pms once again. Sitting before the computer is a me who is no longer angry after four hours, but rather... Lost.

Is it me or am I not good enough?
It's probably the latter, but nothing I do is ever good enough is it?
Sometimes I really wonder why am I such a -refer to title-.
Nope, not being pessimistic or melodramatic or whatever other thing but.
Nevermind. I can't even write a decent post.
Maybe I really am Brainless. And Stupid. And lack Common Sense.
Perhaps I may have been living in self-denial for far too long. Gen, it's time to realise you're still an idiot. In every way possible.
Why do I even exist.

You.

2011-09-17T21:10:00.001+08:00

Thanks a lot.
Really. For letting me know once again how 'brainless' I am. For telling the whole world what you think about me.
Get over it.
I'm not smart, but I sure am better than you academically. Let me be brainless then. So be it. What does that make you? I'm pretty sure your genes had something to do with my idiocy anyway.
Who are you to call me brainless? Fuck you. I'm not going to cry here.
I won't cry because of you.

I hate this place.

人生は。

2011-09-16T18:56:00.002+08:00

「私を守るのは私。」

普通の歌詞ですが、それは確かに。。。

自分が守れないなら、誰が君を守りするの？

自分が守れないなら、誰も守れない。

悲しくない。それは事実です。

でも逃げたいよ。この残酷の事実から。

今週の私は本当にボロボロだ。

いつもの「元気」は今寂しさになりました。

一人きり、自分の部屋に、時々は変な思いがある。

今年の跡で、何処にいって？

今年の終わりはいやだよ。すべてが終わり勇気が持ってない。

あと三十八。

私は何もできない。

ふざけんな。

2011-09-12T17:29:00.001+08:00

RFKW GJFJ IOSR

2011-09-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

My dear wifey,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY <3
Once again, it’s 09/09 and it’s been two years since our very first anniversary together! Well, I’m going to repeat many things that I’ve already written into your birthday (cum anniversary) letter here but yeah. We’ve come a long way together, and though one may also argue that the few years weren’t really that long, these few years were very important in shaping us and I think the both of us have also influenced each other greatly haven’t we? (:

So things may not have always been smooth-sailing for us in our friendship – but we still overcame them together, and emerged with even stronger bonds than before! From ‘Nini’ to ‘other side’ to ‘my wifey’, you’ve been there for me no matter what and really, thank you. I’ll never forget how pissed you were when you heard about the rumours last year. That, well, made me very happy despite whatever was going on. You’ve always helped me through my tough times, despite you claiming to not be good at comforting people – you listened to me, and that’s all that matters sometimes.

You’ll always be my best friend no matter what, and we will prove this to the world okay? That GenNi’s going to survive even longer than three years. That I’m not going to be just another memory but a constant in your life. Because you are not a variable. Oh dear, what am I talking about LOLOLOL.

But yeah. You get what I’m saying right? (:

This ‘letter’ or ‘dedication’ is definitely much shorter than the usual length I write for you on such occasions. And that is only because I’ve already written out your actual letter in your uh. Present hehe. So look forward to it, and we’ll jiayou together this year okay? Low Trini ni shi wo de. Bu yao wang le! Hehe okay okay wo ye shi ni de la. <3

I love you!

Your wifey <3

pour a little salt, we were never here

2011-09-08T00:51:00.003+08:00

So... It's been. Well, I don't exactly remember how long has it been since I last went home. Never thought that I'd feel that way but. I kind of. Just a little bit. That tiny, tiny, almost invisible part of me actually misses them. Perhaps it's just me feeling a little... Nostalgic today?

I remember the times I used to cry when they left. Every. Single. Time.

I remember the times I waited. By the window, by the door, by the fucking lift. I waited.

I remember the times I answered the questions. Why don't you stay with them? Won't you miss them? Of course I did you retards.

And again, that same traitorous part of me decides that they still matter to me. Sometimes I lag behind them when I walk. They look like a happy family. Without me; I'm an outsider.

I blame myself for all the memories. I remember a lot of laughter. Before I turned... I don't know. All the laughter just faded away. And all the bitterness just surfaced gradually. He never used to curse in front of me, but nowadays it's a 'Fuck you' shouted to my face. So much changed that I sometimes wonder what exactly happened.

And even now, as I type this post, tears fall - but it is not so much as a controlled action or my emotions overflowing. I reckon it is my conditioned response whenever I think about this. Or perhaps it is just me who's screwed up. Or maybe a physical reflex to my current apathy.

A child can grow up without his parents but can a parent be called one without raising his child?

I know they love me, and somewhere deeeeeeeeep inside, I know that I love them too but. I can't really get over this.

#justsaying

NEWSの言葉

2011-09-07T17:12:00.000+08:00

今日からWE ARE FIGHTING MAN

Insane

2011-09-06T20:52:00.002+08:00

Fuck stop just... Stop. I don't need this, no one needs this, so just stuff the shit back into your head, kay? I don't freaking care if you're dumb or stupid or well, everything that I hate and I care even less about the fact that you're me. Gen, either stop breaking down or stop breaking down. Easy? Okay or how about just calm down and stop freaking out? Just. Calm. The. Fuck. Down. Seriously. There's no point crying every night, there's no point in punching the wall, there's no point in anything unnecessary that you do - which, in case you haven't realized, is almost everything. Just stop, okay? Reading blogs won't help you for your O's. Tumblr quotes wouldn't either, no matter how beautiful the pictures/quotes are. So just. I don't know. Throw away your life and mug. Please. Just mug. I need to mug. I know you know that I know that you know that I need to mug and since you're me, let's mug kay? Just. Stop. Thinking. So. Much. Stop panicking, Gen. You're not helping me. Nope, you're not. Fuck I'm incoherent freak shit why am I swearing so much? It's all your fault.

Why am I even talking to myself.

Someone.

2011-09-03T22:52:00.004+08:00

PYLJ UPMO LJHT VRIP UJXP AJPM TJXI HYRP AWIQ SDMM NISF ZS'XN LFRU OFXJ 'TSSU SNPF KGBU OJQ.G BHOJ UXID BWMU FNLB AJCP BXSN BHL.H VFAB FFRE SJEW LRIB STRF.

Doors

2011-09-03T16:23:00.002+08:00

Can't really be bothered to encrypt my posts anymore.

Why am I even posting so much? I've tons of things to do yet I opt to waste my time on meaningless ones. Tell me, what makes a person procrastinate despite knowing the consequences? Is it the instant gratification, or is it the 'work hard, play harder' theory? In any case, I'm not going to do well for O's if I continue on. #realitysucks

Speaking of which, seems like I'm not the only one for stuff that happen outside reality. Though the extent is probably different, and well. I don't even like my dreams most of the time anyway. So there. I hate doors that elude me. And stairs that lead me to nowhere. Doesn't make sense? It doesn't matter anyway. Though the purple chickens and dogs with piano keys as teeth were cute, I do not particularly enjoy being chased by people armed with knives, guns and whatever creative weapons of choice. The list goes on and on - when will all these stop?

When I find the door, of course.

la mia lotta

2011-09-02T23:30:00.002+08:00

It is wiped away before it spreads. Hastily, hurriedly, before anyone can take notice. Those that are different shall be destroyed; those that deviate will be diminished.

Another comes forth with the familiar warmth, the- it is withdrawn yet again. A conflict within, a battle of one. How long will it take? Before the other brings you down.

2011-09-02T18:06:00.001+08:00

What exactly am I doing? FreakIreallyneedtostartworkingandstopslacking

Ridiculous.

2011-09-02T16:55:00.001+08:00

LSGP KNRH WTWU ZFVF ZTXS VZFM LXSN L.GSU PXXJ SQHP PYEO FBEZ, IJGB BXIB AYLF LSHP MYLF KFC,U OJVF HWIT ANPM ZTQF AMMO NXME WS’XX HSXQ LTTM LYQL ULA.B IQSH TSHC LUYC SNF,C BYWP TJTB YJWU PQPS HYLF YUIS ZTRB S.NHP U’YIW LSIY WJGU TFRZ ATVF HIQZ IQSH PSXI LKMS ZYTM HHI!T VDSV JFR’U QZWU OFCU OFX’B HQSH PXQF HSXU VFIT LFH’-F CJRU OTYH OYLB ANWB SXSU YZIU VFGF YYEJ UJBU LSX.G HQPB JNIT HSHB ZXYN WYMP UX.ME VFMS LJXI HYEC / STKJ ZRIB UYXP IJVF HI,FV ATRM FBLF UNXJ ZSSU ZJRT PYMW L.YSP RIEN UQSO NYSE VYLJ ZQSM.

Right-o!

2011-09-01T23:56:00.001+08:00

PKMO HQPZ OFZF HHSE L/HMQ EJVU OFXD HSFF ADTF M!F1F ATQF!

Sorry but.

2011-08-31T20:48:00.002+08:00

Seriously.

2011-08-30T21:04:00.001+08:00

Really.

2011-08-30T11:42:00.000+08:00

I will.

2011-08-30T00:38:00.000+08:00

我がまま

2011-08-28T22:51:00.001+08:00

どうして。どうして私はこんなの人ですか。

人間は本来我がままな物です。それは確かに間違いない。

自分だけの心理、自分だけの世界。

自分だけの為に生きている。自分だけの為に歩んで。

人生はどんなに暗いでも、どんなに苦しいでも、人間の人生は最後まで依然一人だけです。

悲しいじゃないの？

Schadenfreude

2011-08-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

Every human's nature.

Nude

2011-08-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

Breathe. Remember the lights, the sounds, the air tinged with a faint burning. It could have been your mind actually, or your eyes, your face. A fire burning somewhere, in the distance perhaps.

Strip, and bathe yourself in insincerity- No, hold on a second. Let yourself mirror you, and see the world as you do. Do you see what you see? Or do you see what you think you see? Cover your eyes.

As the spots dance behind your eyelids, imagine the festival before you. See with your eyes closed; Laugh with your heart crying. Extinguish the flames. Leave yourself with nothing.

Now open your eyes, and see. Without light, but with clarity.

First

2011-08-07T00:35:00.009+08:00

Wifey, Twin, Amanda Loh, Kiki, Wenwen, Elly, Dear, Sweetheart, Cher-cher, Amandarling, Deskie, Mishy, Ral, Jess, Nat, Ninga, Char, Sara, Denise, Yiqi, Mandai, Judith, Kimberley, Fangwei, Lokyan, Itta, Ziyi, Meimei, Joyce, Hazel, Geekit, Jye Ting, Tessa, Kimberly Ann, Boyu, Jaclyn, Ducky, Amanda Han, Ling Yue, Kinnari, Shyue Tyng, Hong Kiat, Clara, Priscilla, Rong En, Lydia, Jiayi, Nicole, Jielin, Julia, Rochelle, Guo Zi Yi, Wei Xin, Sharon, Samantha Oh, Elsie, Rena, Ying Yin, Serene, Jessica Tan, Sarah Jane, Lianne, Jane, Isdi, Sih Si, Pheo, Xinyi, Denise Yeo, Chloe Chua, Mytea, Yan Shan, Yi Min, Abigail, Tiffany, Claire, Jessie, Char~!, Mary-anne, Veronica, Tsz Yan, Cassandra, Kai Bing, Chen Hui, Adeline, Esther, Wei Tian, Verene, Jolene, Hong Yee, Felicia, Annis, Yong Jia, Xiu Quan, Sarah Chew, Xin Xuan, Chu Wen, Celine, Olivia Lim, Olivia Phua, Vanessa Ee, Joanne Chow, Carol, Monique, Lucia, Elysia, Kelly, Leshia, Ailin, Sophia, Yi Shan, Vanessa, Lu Ping, Elsa, Miki, Wen Dae, Zi Wen, Karyee, Tetris, Fanny, Joey Wong, Melissa Lim, Amanda Quek, Zandra, Zhi Yi, Cornelia, Dayna, Say-yin, Jing Yi, Jennifer, Shermaine, Qiao Jing, Chermaine, Kavitha, April, Rui Ching, Hannah, Wei Ling, Vanessa Tan, Ying Mei, Carissa Seet, Yan Lei, Lloyda, Xin Lin, Jim, Natasha Goh, Cheryl, Bernice Lim, Jie Hui, Ines, Vampy, Rachel Tay, Crystal, Alison Tan, Chin Yang, Tom, Jack, Casin, Jin, Kaya, Nicholas Teng, Joel, Marcus, Wei Khan, Farhan, Beverly Yip, Charlene Chew, Nan Zheng, Jeremy, Deric, Edwin, Li Xin, Gabriel, Chin Hong, Heng CY, Edwin Chan, Ernest, Josh, Ryan, Sean, Meyer, Yin Tong, Brennan, William, Ming Xia, Lee Sheng, Ricky, Jin Kheng, Jason, Heng Cheng, Meredith, Xuan You, Melvin, Darryl, Kathleen, Audrey, Wen Man, Mr Foo, Mr Mason Tan, Ms Du Jia, Seng Leong, Uncle Tony, Eric, Xiu Zhu, Ah Yi, Hongjun, Rui

206 people wished me in a day, and that's probably the most I've ever received in my (now) sixteen years of life. Even though many may not really be that familiar with me, the simple message of 'Happy Birthday' was already a gesture of goodwill, and in my opinion, love no matter how faint it is. People who took the time to post on my wall, send me a message, or even those special ones who gave me presents despite my warnings (you know who you are!), everyone contributed in one way or another to this special day of my life and really, it was a fantastic one.

7th August 2011, my sixteenth birthday, 78 days to the big O's, 100 days to the end of O's. In this 24 hours, I've received more love than I could ever have imagined. Thank you to all, and of course, thank you to my parents. For all that they have given me the past sixteen years, for believing in me, for being there for me. I may not be a perfect daughter, but I'll try. To be good enough to be your daughter. Thank you to my grandmother who literally brought me up and gave me all her time. I may not be a good granddaughter, but I'll try. To be a granddaughter you can be proud of. To all my friends - I may not be a desirable friend, but I'll definitely try to be a good one. Thank you for being there for me and thank you for all our memories (:

This is Genevieve Tan, report of her first day of being sixteen, end.

Dying.

2011-08-02T22:25:00.002+08:00

Exhausted.

I've been so drained everyday; life feels monotonous and meaningless. So what if I study? I don't get my desired results. So what if I try to be positive? Everything around me just brings me down again. I'm being oversensitive and ridiculous and bitchy but whoever cares? No one does.

I'll go to school with a smile and come home with a dead expression. With light steps that gradually become heavier and heavier until I have to drag them back. Optimism that literally gets sucked out by the end of the day, and the countdown is another one less than the day before.

Time passes by so quickly it scares me and yet I'm doing nothing productive, like how I'm writing this post now. I'm incoherent, to be honest. Started freaking out during the briefings today - O Levels oral, Prelims, everything is coming. And before I know it, it's only another 83 days to the start of O's. I'm not even prepared. Heck, I am never going to be prepared.

I don't know why things are affecting me so much but every time I see you talking to people asking them to study with you, I ask myself 'why is she not asking me?' and feel... Inferior. Second-rate. Optional.

Things are never going to be the same ever again at the end of this year. Heck things are already changing now. Whatever happened to holding on together? You forgot me, you chose others and you. I really don't know what to say. I don't even know what to expect anymore. Stupid O's. Stupid life. Stupid me.

92114

2011-07-24T18:49:00.002+08:00

It all begins here.

Well that was an obvious fail attempt at showing my HP love that reignited like how a glowing splint does in the presence of oxygen. Please ignore my ridiculous references. Anyway, I still hold true to the belief that watching HP (or any movie, for that matter) with my family is always going to be one of the worst movie experiences in my short life. Enough said.

So it's but just another 90 odd days to the big O(.W.L)s - what am I still doing here blogging so often? I say often but this is only in my case because everyone has a different... Blogging personality no? Which determines the frequency, content and such of their posts. Mine's boring anyway so it doesn't really matter either way. No one would know even if it's dead.

Wasting away my time on the internet isn't a particularly productive activity so. I'm going to limit my computer usage to just one hour everyday. Who knows? After 21 days this might become a habit. I'm going to go on a cheater's diet too. To not only cut down on some belly fat but most importantly save money because I spend on nothing but food and to be honest, it's no small sum. I'm going to ask for an iPod not because everyone has one but rather I need one to keep me away from the computer - using the excuse of 'I need iTunes to study', I turn on my computer. Needless to say, I'll be able to get away from my vice when I get another (hopefully not as addictive) gadget.

This post isn't really sounding like how I do usually but oh well. Not like anyone's going to realise right? I've still got a long way to go - academically, socially, mentally, spiritually- whatever. You get my point.

Oh really.

2011-07-23T15:49:00.004+08:00

So I told myself that I would work at 2. Which became 3. And it's almost 4 now.
Spent half the day reading Ron/Hermione fanfics but now I'm having this strange sense of... Loss.
Maybe it's just PMS.
Or maybe it's just me.
I eat, feel sleepy and procrastinate too much.
Sucks to be me who panics but never does anything like the kind Coach Khim described.

Why am I such a-
Nevermind.

2011-07-21T17:18:00.002+08:00

WENT TO COLLECT MY 'I <3 HC' SHIRT TODAY!

S-sized, but a little too big - it's comfortable so I'M HAPPYYYY!

Okay so this post was started at 5.20pm but it's currently uhm. 7.54pm LOL.

So. Just went to download all the outline and objectives of the subjects I'm taking for O's. After yesterday, I figured there's no point learning all the unnecessary stuff.

Also, I'm thinking of making a checklist for the chapters SO I CAN CROSS THEM OUT AND FEEL A SENSE OF SATISFACTION!

It's already July 21 sigh. 95 days to the start, 117 days to the end.

Epic.

2011-07-10T23:09:00.002+08:00

So like. To quote Ema Watson just for the sake of it, 'Epic times four'.

Was going to school as per normal together with Rui. Seriously, it was just like any other day. Except that it wasn't - all because the mathematical instrument box was poking into my back from inside my bag. Get it? In my bag, poke my back. Poke my back, in my bag. Okay whatever. MOVING ON.

Yeah why the emphasis on the mathematical instrument box, you may wonder. Here's enlightenment - it was the cause of my epic cut. On the thumb! Seriously way too epic I remember like teeny weeny details because it was so darn fascinating. So the box was poking into my back from inside my bag right? I decided to well, stick my hand in my bag to pull out the box. And obviously I didn't look so. When I tried to pull the box, it was held down by my books I think - so I lost grip and my hand flew out of my bag (you know, used strength etc.) and! Well it was painful, sure, I thought it was like yknow normal what. Until Rui was like 'Jiejie you're bleeding!' with the KDFDKH;FDKHDHFDK;HD-face.

And it was like. A FOUNTAIN.

No seriously I'm not kidding. The blood literally flowed and flowed and flowed and flowed. Okay maybe not a fountain then. A river. The best part of the whole thing was that it was 6.30am and so darn funny I don't know why I found it hilarious that I didn't have tissue or anything and blood was just dripping everywhere but seriously. I was laughing away with like. A whole bloody hand with blood dripping on my bag and pinafore but really. All those blood from a thumb? Wow that's pretty darn amazing.

Some called me sadistic, some called me masochistic. Whatever it is, my thumb's pretty much in pain every time I forget about it now. Isn't it sad? And it really hurts like a bitch no matter how high my pain tolerance is when I accidentally poked the straw into it WITHOUT HANTIPLAST OUCH. Yes. It's hurting now too maybe 'cos I'm using it to type but whateverrrrrr.

YUP EPIC IS EPIC.

Epic times four. (Y)

Ramblings

2011-07-03T13:02:00.003+08:00

Mom just told me 'Forget it. Treat it as a donation or a lesson for you.'

Sports Day was yesterday!
Had to reach YCK stadium by 6am in the morning (oh the horror) but I kind of got lost so reached there around 6.20 instead.
Green Force - we screamed, whistled and screamed some more. Honestly this was the best Sports Day ever in my opinion - I loved being part of House Committee, and I loved how Green House responded to us when we cheered.
Last year's Sports Day had been, well, less focused on the house spirit itself for me.
Being props captain and cheerleader together hadn't been fun at all.
Yet when I saw the cheerleaders this year, I couldn't help but think about how 'if it were last year, I'd be there too' or 'wonder what it'll be like for me now if I had joined cheer' but all these don't really matter now because last year was last year, and this year I'm just a level coordinator.
The cheer shirt issues, well. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore either.
Because at the end of the day, people are all for themselves anyway - no one's going to help anyone that they don't even like in the first place, and it just brings back the not-so-good memories of cheer. Though I still love the feeling of being up there, after all our hard work put in, putting up our best performance - that, will always be awesome.

Time really flies by so quickly I can barely keep up anymore.
I think I'm living in the past.
Gonna go sleep or something. I'm not thinking straight anymore.

Miscibility

2011-06-19T23:03:00.001+08:00

Drip.
One.
Drip.
Two.
Drip.
Three.
You wonder why you forgot
to bring an umbrella before you left
home.
Grey skies above make you sad
when you ought to be happy that
you left early.
Three.
Step.
Two.
Step.
One.
Step.
Blurred surroundings make you lost
as you try to figure out where to seek
shelter
but you look up at the sun and realize
that it is still there as your tears
remain indistinguishable in
the rain.

Perspective.

2011-06-19T11:31:00.000+08:00

Had a really long breakfast at home today. I guess majority of the time was taken up by talking after we finished but really, the topic was more or less about life, results and competition.
Dad was pretty concerned with the news of Singaporean teenagers committing suicide due to stress or results and well, all I can say that it is entirely dependent on a person's threshold of stress and resistance to adversity.

What caught my surprise was more of how little they expect of us.

I've always known that my parents were never the conventional kind but really, they're telling me I don't have to go to university or climb to the top of the corporate ladder or earn six-figure salaries. They told me they'd rather we stay somewhere there (in the middle, or lower it's okay either way) and enjoy our lives, lead simple and healthy days and not work ourselves to the core and bring work home and all. Maybe it's me who's too complicated, but that kind of life isn't the one I want to lead.

I don't want to be some random person a huge company employs but never seems to take notice of. I don't want to be another servant of demanding bosses. I don't want to be this wife who stays at home and well, be happy by spending time with my kids. I'd rather work myself day in day out because that's the kind of person I want to be - not the one I am now, lazing away and rotting every moment. At least in that way, I am useful. I am contributing to something. I am useful. It makes me feel needed, reduces the fear of being replaced. So am I just insecure or am I stupid?

So my parents were saying I'm pushing myself too hard and I should slow down.
I completely disagree.
I don't feel like I'm even doing anything.
To them, I may be like some ambitious girl who's always working and working and working.
That just shows how much they really know me because I'm not working almost all the time.
And when I do, well, it isn't even close to the amount of work required.
I just feel that no matter how much I do, it's never going to be enough.
Never going to be enough to be who I want to be.

Sometimes my goal seems unrealistic.
But I don't want to look back at the end of the day, and find myself falling behind everyone else.
I really don't want to disappoint myself anymore.

Perhaps it is due to the fact that my parents never had a high education level that they don't expect much out of me. I get that they just want me to be happy and normal but I don't want to be just that. I don't want to. I don't want to.
I want to fly.

Musings.

2011-06-18T19:13:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder why people tolerate me.
To be honest I don't even really like myself.
I used to be okay but nowadays I'm just. Annoying? Trying too hard?
And I became someone who's super awkward with people but try to act like I'm friendly and all.
It's not to say that I'm not, but I really don't feel like jumping to people and talking to everyone like I know them because they obviously don't know me either.
So I've been described as 'bimbo' pretty often lately.
Not a huge surprise, but well. I'm not all that smart so maybe it's true.
Am I even someone who's worth people's love?
It's quite funny how I ended up as some insecure social renegade.

Life (:

Lackadaisical

2011-06-16T00:20:00.005+08:00

So I've been feeling healthy nowadays - I sleep a full eight hours, eat healthy food, exercise everyday with my midnight yoga sessions (which are, in fact, awesome) but my productivity's gone rock bottom no wait it's the thing that freaking drags the rock to the bottom - yeah that sounds more like it.

I haven't started on a single holiday homework, god bless me, and of course wouldn't have started revising anything for the O's yet. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I keep telling myself 'I'll work hard today' every morning I open my eyes and the minute I sit down at my desk, instead of doing work I'd be more diligently reading fanfics. If work were like fanfics, I'd do them every minute I can.

This sense of. Fear? Anxiety? Grips me every time I see countdown to O's and the pile of work to do and my lack of preparation for anything. But this stupid apathy and stone-ness that I can't fight away always gets hold of me in the end. Perhaps this is what it means to be lackadaisical.

I really love my midnight yogas though. (:

I'll give myself a good stretch, keep my mind calm, go for a shower and come out refreshed, ready for bed. Once my hair dries that is. It's not so much about burning calories (although it is a definite plus) but more of the health benefits? Okay fine just feeling healthy.

On a side note, I've drank gongcha two days in a week consecutively! /broke and guilty

Blerghhhh. OH WELL I'M GONNA GO PROM SHOPPING... LATER! Seeing as how it's 12.35am and all now. Prepared to see myself looking stupid in dresses ugh.

Nothing new;;

2011-06-12T20:00:00.002+08:00

Well well.
Do I actually look as if I care?
I'm glad that I do, truthfully. Because that'll make life much easier for me.
But oh wait.
I don't?
Yeah 'cos I really don't give a damn about what you're saying dear.

And I totally did not mean my endearment - just to let you know. It's but a figure of speech when used on you!
Peace~ (:

I really need to exercise.

2011-06-11T19:29:00.002+08:00

I don't even dare to go out anymore.
Freak my stupid thighs.
KH;KDFH;DFKHD;JFKSD;UI;HSDK;HKDS

The only thing I can do

2011-06-07T20:42:00.002+08:00

Have this sudden urge to write a real diary.
Though, I'd probably just set up this locked lj or something to save paper (trees!) and ink (money!).

Spent my day away from computer the whole day but still slacked away.
But I've got new-found motivation! :)

I'm gonna be someone whom she can be proud of!

2011-06-04T15:36:00.003+08:00

Because Hope is love, loved and beyond words.
Best class ever,

CLASS BBQ WAS SO MUCH FUN <3
Though I got muscle ache from carrying those stupid boxes, ran around so much and had so much 'trouble' planning it - everything was fantastic.

Pearlo, my trusty partner in planning.
Mama, Judith, Zi Yi, Eme, Nicole who helped collect the food.
Kim, Yi Jing, Gwen the pros in setting up the fire.
Sara, auntie achar who sat down only when everyone finished eating.
Ral, Sweetheart, Dear whom I spammed photos with.
Nat, Jess, Deskie, Denise jiejie, Zoe and everyone else in Hope who made my day fantastically awesome.

Blasting songs in the room ("I JUST HAD SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX")
Throwing serviettes into the pit ("IT LOOKS LIKE A MONSTER")
Chaotah sweet potatos
Camwhoring
Everything we did as a class, as friends, as family <3

Life is fantastic in Hope.
Life is fantastic as Hope.
Life is fantastic with Hope.

I'll miss this so much when next year comes.
Heck, I'm missing it already.

And I told you to be kind

2011-06-04T14:16:00.001+08:00

But reality never goes the way we want it to does it?

2011-06-02T23:46:00.001+08:00

Why isn't there anyone I feel comfortable calling.

Why do I hesitate to press the call button.

Why am I freaking out.

Stupid lifts.

2011-06-02T23:07:00.002+08:00

Freaked out. Completely.

Okay fine erase that. I'm still crying.

I really can't stand my low tolerance for these things.

Really.

I hate this so fucking much shit.

All I want to be is your harbour

2011-05-30T11:11:00.001+08:00

It is in this song where I found my own substitution for words in this blog.

I love my new blog skin sigh <3

I need a little more help than a little bit

2011-05-30T10:46:00.003+08:00

By some miracle I found this awesome song :)

slaving 50 years away on something that you hate

2011-05-29T15:45:00.006+08:00

2011-05-29T15:38:00.003+08:00

Ridiculous paranoia.
What will happen to me if I don't get 6 points?
I really don't know.
So scared, so afraid.
Why do we have to go through this?
Will I be able to get my A1s?
Will I be able to survive this year?

Will I be able to keep my friendships going?

My life is screwed, fucked up left right center upside down and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Run away, child. Before it gets you.
Run... Away...
Before...
You are caught.

2011-05-27T20:47:00.002+08:00

I finally figured why you didn't want to talk to me today.
Was I too selfish to have neglected your opinions?
Sigh. Sorry.
I really don't know what's up with me recently.
Why am I being such a bitch to all my good friends?
Maybe it's really my me, myself and I thinking lately.
Somehow I'm just really worried about my future.
So many insecurities, so many uncertainties.
Even though I already knew that we most probably won't go to the same JC.
Are we friends only for the fun times?
Are we friends who have nothing to talk about but fandom? We belong to different ones now. School? We'll be in different ones soon. CCA? We're no longer in one.
Are we no longer the kind who can speak seriously and truthfully to one another anymore?

Why do I always have to find out about things from your blog?
Why do you not tell me things but turn me away when I try to tell you?
I don't know anymore, really.

Today, my grandma went out to eat with a friend she has known for over 50 years.
I wonder how many of my friends would still be in contact with me when I'm 66.
I'm envious.

2011-05-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

Too many thoughts running around in my head.
Too many things happening around me.

It's kinda weird, how I thought I'll be okay.
But it turns out that I'm not.
Where did all the positivity go?
Maybe it's due to PMS or something but.
One week.
That was all it took for me to realise.
I can't describe it in words, this feeling.
It's a mixture of everything, a blend of feelings.

Monday was collapsing while running; It was well, unexpected and unprecedented. Had seizures or something, I don't know. But it made me wonder - just how much more can I take it? Do I push myself too much sometimes? Am I expecting too much out of myself?
But all the people who worried about me made me feel loved, so I was happy.
Got sent home on Wednesday. Somehow I really didn't want to go back. But I got forced to - and I missed CCA too. Even when Ni told me 'You missed the last CCA session' I didn't really feel much - especially after she said that it was just like any CCA session where we just sat in the lab and talked. That changed after I read her post though.

I realised that I don't want to leave.
I realised that I don't want things to change.

Thursday while queuing up for Starbucks, I saw people in other uniforms. Strangely, I felt proud to be wearing the pinafore I've been wearing everyday for the past four years. And yes, I only wear one pinafore - the other one is hardly touched. I liked the feeling of coming from SN, I was proud to be a St Nick's Girl. And I still am. Maybe it's because the day I'm leaving the school is inching nearer and nearer as days go pass...

I can't imagine life outside of St Nicks, despite coming from outside once.

Jubilate;;
Time really flew past so quickly. Enjoyed myself thoroughly from hugging, screaming to camwhoring. Even in class, half the class was gone - the rest of us were still talking about the night later, what we were going to wear etc. I'm pretty sure there's no other school concert that'll have almost the entire class go down together - or maybe it's just how awesome Hope is! Like Paka said in her post - the 35 bucks we paid was totally worth it. Flowers are a gesture of love, and hugs are too. In St Nicks, we value expressing our love for one another.

I felt like crying.

Whenever the CO's 'waves' struck. When I see my friends playing their best on stage. When SNSB's ark stopped. When SO's zombies were all eaten up. I laughed and I smiled because I was enjoying. But I really felt like crying at the finale. I was talking to Ni about this - how in performing arts groups you see your friends moving seats based on seniority every year. This year, all my friends were visible - but this was the last time they'd perform as part of SN. I don't know why but I felt sad too. This was the last time I'll be able to see all my friends performing in one concert. The last time I'll get to run around looking for people to give flowers to. The last time I'll go as part of the school.

HOPE, we're fantastic.
I really really love my class. We're so.
Yes, we do have our cliques. Yes, we do have our differences.
But us coming together at the end of the day, taking class photos.
Being the only class that came together, and I'm sure no other had more people turning up than us. I'm proud to be part of Hope. It's not a class.
We're a family.
We shouted 'Jubilate', we shouted '4 Hope', we shouted 'Mrs Yeo' - it wasn't just noise pollution or a display of our high-ness. They were shouts of unity, cries of affection and roars of hope.

Time; Stop ticking.

2011-04-25T23:08:00.002+08:00

Spent the whole recess crying today.

I just need a person who can put everything off for me when I need someone.

Is that too much to ask for?

A failure in everything.

2011-04-12T20:14:00.000+08:00

你是我第一个最疼的人, 还记得吗?

This simple question got me crying like mad.

2011-04-03T00:43:00.002+08:00

私たちは最近どうしたのですか?
いつもの話は今意味ないのこと。
寂しいですか？悲しいですか？
あなたの思い教えてくださいよ。
どうして困ったのことは私と教えないの？

何が変わった。
私たちは別人になりましたね。
でも今まで、あなたは私の親友だよ。

その時の私たちはいつも一緒にでした。
私たちは今もう一緒にじゃないなら、十年後のあなたはまだ私の友ですか？

時を止めたい。
何もできない。
悔しいです。

あなたは私から遠いの感じ。
「私たちは大丈夫だよ！」
それは本当ですか？

2011-03-24T21:24:00.004+08:00

No matter how much you think about the future
No one can see the truth
A void? Something's stuck in my heart
I kept repeating my mistakes

Just one step at a time; don't let go of my hand
The days we spent together still live
Even if we're torn apart til we're ragged
That time, that place, this bond won't disappear

Making sure we don't lose it in the flow of time
Our true feelings pass and bump against each other
My heart is steeped in love for that person
That we met is the miracle I longed for

The pain of not even being able to stand still
We're connected by the light we saw inside
It's okay if you lied; it's okay if you cry
That time, that place, this bond won't disappear

Just one step at a time; don't let go of my hand
The days we spent together still live
Even if we're torn apart til we're ragged
That time, that place, this bond won't disappear

<3
Kizuna;; Bond.
Dedicated to my 'Everybody' :)

2011-03-21T23:41:00.002+08:00

The last post for today, part of the series of three - the previous two being the songs.
For my most important people who are going through the same stress (if not more) this year.
The lyrics mean a lot to me somehow (definitely not because I'm biased to Yamapi or anything okay), because they sort of convey my message towards my 'Everybody' :)

To my Wife:
'We're not together, but I pray that our days will not disappear'
Because GenNi is awesome like that and we'll be able to overcome anything.
If you're feeling troubled or down, come talk to me like last time kay?
Somehow I realised all our conversations are like on fangirl stuff? Well mostly.
I don't know... But it feels weird only knowing about your life through your blog.
'I’ll take in the light I can see, and go where my heart tells me'
And really. My heart is with you <3
I love you Ni!

To my Twin:
'I wonder if I'll be able to fly to you on the other side'
Slowly, step by step; I'm going to walk first.
I'm going to try, and we will conquer the hydrogencarbonate ions!
The stress and all may be overwhelming, while other problems may come at you.
When you feel like giving up, remember that we're doing this together.
'I’ll get through that black darkness and search for the limitless blue sky'
You will too <3
I love you Paka!

Somehow both ended up with 8 lines.
I'm a fair person! Haha no I really didn't count.
Tilt the 8 and you get infinite - this is what my brain manages to crap out at 12AM.
Interpret what I'm hinting :)
Jiayou to us, and sorry for spamming Yamapi hehe!

2011-03-21T23:39:00.002+08:00

Yamapi <3

2011-03-21T23:24:00.005+08:00

English

Someone tell me, where should I go?
Someone tell me what I can do
When I look up it’s raining, when I turn around there’s a wall
Just the scenery makes me sadder

Alone before dawn, I wander aimleessly but still can’t find it

No matter how many times I search for the answer, I don’t understand as much as I thought
I’ll take in the light I can see and try walking
I’ll try looking up at the moon

A red passion, I’m gonna take back
The heartbeat that was taken away that day, that time

I’ll get through that black darkness and get rid of even the shadows that follow me around

Get the hope and courage to face up to the things you can’t see
I’ll walk, one step at a time, along the road that leads to tomorrow
Like a wish for the future

I’ll get through that black darkness and search for the limitless blue sky

No matter how much I keep searching, I don’t know the answer
I’ll take in the light I can see, and go where my heart tells me
Dawn is breaking

Get the hope and courage to face up to the things you can’t see
I’ll walk, one step at a time, along the road that leads to tomorrow
Like a wish for the future
I’ll try looking up at the moon
At a colourful world

Yamapi<3

2011-03-13T23:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really feel like saying this, but I decide not to.
But now, I really don't want to keep it in anymore.

I used to be happy that I could score without studying.
It wasn't because of the praises people showered me with, or the term 'genius' or whatever shit.
It was simply because I had more time to do what I liked.
Can I say that I was never proud of it?
Because everything feels empty, and it felt so from the beginning.
But because I could enjoy myself, I liked it.

Since when did it become a burden?
I really hate it now.
When people go 'you so smart no need study one la', and how everyone expects me to do well without studying.
Well, sorry to burst your bubbles people.
I'm no genius, nor am I 'so smart' that I don't have to study.
To be honest, I don't even know how I survived primary school, which I honestly never studied in.
But the me now is different.

I do care about results.
I do want to do well.
I do wish to improve my math.
I do think about my future.
I do bother to study.

I really wonder, if anyone had tried feeling like this before.
When you really want to work hard, and try to, people start to shoot you down.
And it's not just the people who don't know you.
Sometimes, even those you're closest to believes in this image that everyone sees.
I just want people to know now, if anyone reads this post.

That I'm not some genius.
I don't want to be known as one either.
I want to live my life as simply as possible.
Without stupid rumours about my intellect or anything else.

Because I don't give a damn about my PSLE score and how I got it.
To me, that's the past.
The me now can not do well without studying.
I just hope someone finally realises that.

The expectations are crushing me.
To the point where I think,
'I'll die if I don't get in _______'
'I can't show that I am affected by my results'
'I can't study. I'm not supposed to'

;;Breaking point

-maximum load has reached-

2011-03-11T23:44:00.002+08:00

你白痴哦你.
Talking like that now. What ignore la seriously.
There's no point in berating yourself over what you think is best right?
I'm sure it must have been hard for you too.
And I'm well, fine I guess - tried to be fine, and now I am.
The fact that I know how much it means to you, and how much you pressure yourself to do well is why I didn't say anything you know. Because I know that you'll start hating yourself if you did.
Irregardless of anything, I'll let you know first that I'll support you in anything, particularly studying (duh). Just don't collapse okay. Sorry to say this but I don't really care about that 'perfect' friend of yours but you're the perfect one to me so if you collapse I'll die.
So this is why, with me recognising myself to be a threat to this goal of yours, I'm willing to take a step back at this point of time. What you said was true anyway. I don't think that I'm a good influence either.
On a side note, I've been starting to try recently.
Good trend no?
Besides that, I gotta move on I guess?
And I did haha.
It really doesn't matter that I don't go over to your class everyday now - something which I should apologize for, because for a period of time I really didn't want to and now it's just. Yeah.
I mean, why would it matter?
'Cos I know you still love me as much as you did before :)
难道你就认为我不怕失去你吗?
I love you <3

2011-02-17T23:35:00.003+08:00

Call me escapist.
I don't want to face reality.
Nothing will change the fact that I've been abandoned.
Defective, detrimental.
Effort does not always reward.
Exchange between honour and humanity;

Which will you give?

2011-01-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

I'm just going to pretend that I never saw anything.
I don't see the point anymore.
Worthless.
I understand.

2011-01-11T21:35:00.002+08:00

I am traumatized.
Like really, really traumatized.
I guess this is when people finally get the idea of being a SEC FOUR inside their heads.
After getting back the results..
I was happy at first. So happy that I cried. Relieved. Not cry CRY but yeah. The few of us at the back all teared up. Momo crying along with us was so cute <3
Ral went crazy and was hugging Momo's leg and wouldn't let go LOL.
Took pictures and all... But the happiness wore off.
I mean.
There was no way for me to still feel happy when my friends and seniors cried.
Really, no way.
In the end, I cried along too.
For an entirely different reason from why I cried previously.
I don't know.
I really don't want to be crying for the second reason next year.
And I don't want to cry for the third either.

2011-01-04T22:25:00.002+08:00

The idea of being a sec four still isn't getting into my head.
I mean. After today, even though almost every single teacher talked about the big Os and all...
I still can't get over the fact that I'm a freaking sec four already.
2011... Is a prime number (LOL RANDOM)
Okay let's just ignore that.
2011 is going to be one hell of a year - for all the work coming up, and the stress building up.
I just don't want to see this stress to do well, stress to succeed ruin my life again.
Seriously. Showing actual O level papers and answers, teaching binomial theorem and writing poems isn't exactly a fantastic way to start the new school year...
I probably brought it upon myself when I didn't sleep the night before, staying up to read yaoi.
But whatever.
Maybe my comprehending ability has gone down.
Or maybe it's just me who doesn't want to accept it.
That I have less than a year to the real thing.

Sometimes I wonder if I even matter anymore.
To the one who matters to me.
Sigh. I really need to stop thinking so much.
You do love me... Right?

2011-01-01T02:02:00.002+08:00

IT'S 2011 PEOPLE! HAPPY NEW YEAR~

Well.
2010... Has been a very eventful year for me in more ways than one.
In my 15th year of life, so many things happened and time really, literally FLEW past and now we're onto a new year once again.
A new year, a new beginning right? Not quite, but what I would want to believe is that things would turn out for the better starting from now. Of course, I'm not gonna just sit here and expect things to change. I'm gonna work towards it. Yep. Gen's gonna work. Surprise~
This year's gonna be different.
I'm not going to let my new year's resolutions be just words and empty promises to myself.
This year, I'm gonna try.

PAKA LETS CONQUER HYDROGENCARBONATE IONS TOGETHER!
NI LETS STAY FAITHFUL TO EACH OTHER!
WHITE BADGES LETS SURVIVE O's TOGETHER!
EVERYONE LETS LIVE 2011 TO THE BEST THAT WE CAN! :D

2010-12-28T03:19:00.000+08:00

Booyah people! Back from Batam.
How was Christmas? :)

Honestly I've learned so much from this short trip there.
It's the first time I ever traveled overseas without any my family/with ft so yeah it was quite meaningful.
Didn't sleep for more than 10 hours in 3 days (Y) Idk. Just the occasional nap here and there? And I got sexually harassed there by best friend so much omg. Traumatized.
Anyway. Besides the activities which obviously are to let us learn more about Tao, I think what I gained most from this trip are friends. New friends made from Batam and Balai, as well as a new perception and understanding of old friends through this 3-day interaction.
It's been a while since I've last went for any ft camps/trips.
Spending late nights together, learning how to play monopoly cards (the apparently idiot-proof game), holy water, best friend bitching sessions and stuff... The aixin bunch grew on me once again as I, the one who never had the chance to go for many events started to interact with them more heh.
Anyway, ah it's damn fun sitting on the ferry facing backwards with huge waves! Wanna do it again~ This is one of the first happy posts in a while - thought that I should blog about something enjoyable for me once in a while you know...

Always look on the bright side of life~ Good mornight people!

2010-12-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

I'M SO SORRY I'LL BE AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS MY DEAR WIFE AND TWIN!!!
Wanted to spend it with you guys but... Next year kay?
Anywayyy, I've got your Christmas presents already!
It's super environmentally friendly 'cos it's DIYed okay la I'm not that pro my mom did everything BUT THE WORDS I WRITE ONE OKAY.
:DDDDDDDD

Pictures for you guys (equivalent to opening present le huh!)

Can't really see but it says 'Trini' KIND WORRRRRRRHZXC.

From Gracious Gen! (Back of Wife's bottle)

From Gracious Gen with a star! (Back of Twin's bottle)

SEE THAT? KINDDDDD PAKA!

Environmentally friendly + Ecology (Y)

Anyway just to wish you guys a Merry Christmas (even though we're all not Christians stilllll :D)!
It's been a year already - time flies. I WANNA GO OUTTTTTT!!! /stuck at home tch.
Well I didn't get other people presents. (Oh wait do jellies count?) Anyway, I'm biased like that. :P Be honoured kay. Gracious Gen gave gorgeous gifts <<< ALLITERATION :D
BLEH GOING OFF TO THE HARBOUR SOON.
Don't miss me (too much) kay? I'LL MISS YOU GUYS.
EH MUST SMS ME CHRISTMAS WISH HOR.
:D I know you love me!
(And you know I love you too~)

PS: Merry Christmas to other people who are reading this too!

2010-12-11T01:00:00.004+08:00

After more than one month of not posting...

I can't say that I even want to post anymore but well, here I am, posting because I just feel like ranting. It's December already - the last month of the year. Maybe it's because the year's ending that I've been thinking, and a little too much recently. I think I've kind of changed this year, whether good or bad that I don't know, but a change is still a change. I've always prided myself on my adaptability, ability to talk no matter in what situation and to whom, and the self-sufficiency that I've always lived with. This year, somehow I found myself clinging onto what was left of my adaptability as my life screws up. I'm not sure how, but I think that the fact that so many things happened in this one year that I didn't really have the chance to even react before getting caught up with the whirlwind of things and the pace of everything else.

Of course, the changes are definitely part of the defining moments in my life. Getting to know more people and thus expanding my social network (and the number of good friends), learning to talk to people about things I'm unhappy about and even doing things I never thought possible are just one of the few things how this year proved to be a life-changing and equally memorable one for me. This year, I found out so much more about myself; parts that I never knew about, and parts that I realised have changed. I guess insecurity and the constant questioning of oneself is just part of the stage called 'adolescence' that I'm in right now and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to continue changing until I really grow up - and I do not mean just by hitting the legal age.

Reading this blog of mine that I've kept since primary school, I've realised a lot of things. How I've changed in the way I speak both online and off, how I've changed in my likings and preferences, how I've changed in blogging style, and most importantly, how I never seem to blog about anything happy or just day-to-day matters anymore. It does not necessarily mean that nothing worth mentioning's happening in my life because I assure you and myself that lots of things in fact, do cheer me up but it seems that the me now doesn't put as much effort into recognising those things anymore - something that I hope I can change. In retrospect, the unhappy things that I blog here about... I guess I just need places to rant about things that annoy me. But it's not like I find satisfaction in telling the whole world about my problems, nor am I someone who would actually put something that's bothering me here so. Some things never seem to change does it?

Thinking. I've been thinking a lot lately. Overthinking perhaps. Nevertheless, thinking. I find myself reading fanfics while thinking 'why am I doing this' and 'what am I going to do later', reading mangas with the happenings not particularly holding my attention... While my brain proceeds on with other things that rooted from the manga but have thus digressed. Dreaming. Dreams have played a major role in my life this year too. No, I'm not talking about Inception no matter how much I love it :) It started this year, especially this year, even right from the start of it. Dreams that came true and the de javu feelings are fine with me. Dreams about taking polaroids with Suju, yaoi manga and stuff are great too. But the bulk of my dreams involve running away, escaping, killing, torture and I can't say I particularly enjoy being chased after someone, night after night, or find myself facing one of my greatest fears one-to-one. I'm no Harry Potter or even a Hogwarts student. I don't know how to say 'Ridiculous!' in my dreams against what Boggarts might have taken the form of. It even got to the point where I was scared of dreaming recently. Maybe that's one of the reasons for my inability to sleep no matter how tired I am lately.

I'm someone who is very concerned about how people look at me. And I hate that. Maybe it's my strange fear of offending people that caused me to be unable to reject anyone for anything. And maybe it's due to my utter dislike towards being an outcast that made me someone who never stops talking. Maybe it's just because I've always been the one who's understanding, giving in and unaffected by things that I've become the me today. How I'd wish I never turned out like that. False aspects of me made real, and real parts of me made false. I wonder how much did I change. For people to have all sorts of views and opinions towards me. Things that I never knew of, and never happened somehow became what people knew as 'real'. Rubbish like boyfriends and brothers and bitch popped up. Well I can't say anything about the bitch part but the first two never existed. Not everyone will understand this.

I keep having the feeling that I'm wasting away my life. But my busy schedule says otherwise. But I think I've grown to learn that I'm someone who is not only unreliable, but also untrustworthy, irresponsible, selfish and cowardly. Not very nice things to describe myself but well. Denial is bad for health. I seem to never be able to please myself. Nothing's good enough about me. And nothing's great in my life besides the people in it, with some that are really really great. Love. Is a stupid thing. Okay fine maybe it isn't. But it makes people do stupid things, wastes time and resources, and is definitely not a good investment. Especially at this age. 'Love' is something so casually used nowadays that I find that it has lost its meaning somehow. Of course, I do love my friends, and family. But the love that exists between couples, that I don't understand. The scariest thing one can do is to risk everything for one person. And seriously, at this age, I don't find it anything worth the effort it needs. One thing I love and support the LGBT community so much about is their love that goes beyond gender, faith and so much more. Going against social norms, throwing everything including maybe religion, family and friends as well as living with a fear of being exposed for those who aren't out of the closet yet... These things are selfless, selfish, and it's all due to love. I have never had a crush in my life. And never felt anything remotely close to romantic love. But nonetheless, the courage it takes - I don't think I have it. And I'm not interested anyway. Well, at least not now. I'd like to think that I'm open to possibilities in the future.

I'm someone who still has a long way to go before I can even be a decent person. Too many stains and too many flaws. Nobody's perfect. And hopefully, I can be a nobody soon because I don't like the attention people are giving me now. Really, nobody IS perfect. Because sometimes it's just better for things to be left unknown, for people to be out of the spotlight. Lay low in case of the tall poppy syndrome. Or in my case, people with nothing to do and the gossip mill. Tumblr really sings to me what I'm thinking in these moments so I guess there are people out there experiencing the same things as me. I wonder how they got over it. I know who are the ones who really care for me, and I know that no matter what there'll always be people behind me (hopefully) but sometimes one just can't help but question why, and what happened for things like that to start. But I guess it's just a part and parcel of life. People talk.

This is a really long post, however short for a summary of my life the past year, or rather, past month. After reading The Chrysalids (our literature book next year) somehow I understand what David meant when he said that 'thinking together' is much simpler, without having to use words that are subjected to inference and each person's ability to comprehend matters. Some things in life can't be explained in words - words never seem to mean the thing we actually mean sometimes. And life, is indeed change. Maybe The Chrysalids wasn't that bad afterall towards the later part of the book. Life has to go on no matter what right? The world won't stop even if you do. Nothing's gonna change if you don't keep up. So many possibilities lies await out there. I'm waiting too. An entry with exactly a one and a half thousand words. Not bad at all.

2010-11-07T23:55:00.002+08:00

I never meant for this place to be a bitching respite.
Thinking about how I used to blog, even though I don't really like my way of blogging back then, it makes me feel like laughing. What happened to blogging about happy things in life? Going out with friends? Time out with my family?
Somehow the bad things always manage to outweigh the good eh.
My recent posts have all been rants.
Or at least.
Those that are understandable.
But still.
I've spent this week with walking into the fridge, the wall, the door, and other things, spilling drinks, memory lapses, tendency to daze, gaming, lack of concentration, insomnia, headache, bouts of fatigue, random bruises, nearly losing my camera case, dropping my phone from my loft bed 1.8m high, and losing my 20 bucks allowance for the next week despite being broke.
And yet you make it sound like I wanted it to happen.
Yes, I know it was my mistake for losing the money.
But what do you expect me to say when you asked me to think carefully again where did I lose it.
If I could, it wouldn't be 'lost' right?
Again, you asked me if I thought 20 bucks was easy to earn.
Again, you concern yourself with money over your daughter.
Again, you decided to question my honesty.
I remembered putting the money in my pocket with my camera.
And I only took out my camera in the car.
So what would you expect me to say where I thought the money was?
You couldn't find it.
Your words over the phone.
I should be used to it by now shouldn't I?
Yes I am.
I don't care if you start to doubt me.
I don't care if you think it's 'disheartening' for me 'cos it's not.
I don't care if you believe something is wrong with me.
'cos you're not the father I know anymore.

2010-11-01T22:11:00.003+08:00

Reality;;

I... Have nothing to say. Okay fine. It's more like I don't know what to say. Nothing's like what you thought it was. And this is especially so for people. Freak I'm incoherent now (due to anger?).

Whatever happened to the senior-junior relationship I used to know? To think that I used to believe I was lucky to have such great juniors. To think that I used to actually like my juniors. To think that I love my CCA because it is so much better than other CCAs.
Yes, I love my CCA. I love Mrs Tian, I love my seniors, I love my friends, I love my juniors, I love the articles we write, I love (skipping) school events, I love our air-con computer lab, I love our mac (and photobooth), I love Connexio, I love the bond and I love Publications.

Publications. It may not have been the best choice, but I made it and I'm determined to make the best out of it. Everything had been fine for the past three years, two where Pubs wasn't even a proper CCA but just a section within Infocomm. How long has it been since I've seen even the slightest bit of 'respect' for the seniors in our CCA? I'm not sure. I was pretty certain that Pubs had like. The best of everything. Our size, although small, helps us to be bonded. Our members, although not perfect, were united. I don't know. I really don't know anymore. Is it just us? Is it because of us, the seniors who are incapable of leading, of commanding respect? Or is it just them? Is it because of them, the juniors who are self-centered, stuck-up, and capable of bitching about their seniors behind their backs?

I don't see how we (the whole of white badges in Pubs) have been bad seniors in any way. We treat all our juniors as equals. We are their friends. But to be honest. No matter how friendly we are, isn't it natural to at least give your seniors some decent respect? It's not asking for a lot, really. We do not have the need to put up with useless shit that juniors give, horrible articles to edit, sharing the credit when it's published, arrogance, attitude and worse of all, bitching behind our backs. To have a friend of one member (whose name is explicitly mentioned) tell another group of friends that 'Publications seniors are mean', I think that it's really not justifiable. We have never done anything to deserve this from you Samantha, what were you thinking? We talk to you, don't even act like seniors, ignore your mistakes, try to teach you, encourage you to try and all you can do is tell your friends how 'mean' your seniors are? I had been your PSL. And I never thought you'd be such a person. You can be fat (sorry you really are and I'm not feeling nice today), you can be loud, you can be clumsy, you can be useless (like how you are most of the time, I'm really pissed off now), you can be disrespectful, you can be whiny, you can be nosy but I never thought of you as someone who is worse than a bitch. Really. I never thought that you would be someone like that. Seriously. Is that what you give to us in return?

I don't want to talk about other people because it's not fair. It's not fair that all the juniors get implicated when it started with only one. But this really leads me to question. How many others are doing this? How many others think we're bad seniors? Is it us? Is it them? How should we settle this? And most importantly, what would be of Publications? We're a new CCA. We're small. We're not even recognised yet. But we're trying - or at least, the whites are, while the rest drags us down. we do not expect you guys to call us 'Madam' like uniform group people do (seriously I envy the seniors in U.G), nor do we expect you to treat us as unapproachable people who are way above you. But we do not understand in what way have we done wrong, in what way have you suffered (not under) with us, in the past what? 10 months, (plus another year for greys). We're new, like I said. And I really don't think spreading negative things about your seniors in your CCA is going to help much with Publication's reputation. Considering how almost all the seniors hate you now, Sam I wish you all the best.

I'm not going to talk about what I've done for the CCA because honestly, I never contributed much. But one thing's for sure. I made sure I talked to everyone. I made sure I was friends with everyone. I did my best to bond people, to have them talk, to break the ice, and did everything I can to my ability, to make people happy, including buying things for them (lollipops and chocolates with Trini). I miss the seniors. I miss the old times.

Reality's a bitch. Life's a bitch. Sam Oh, just to let you know. You're a bitch too.

/not sorry.
Yes. I'm that pissed off.

2010-10-19T21:34:00.003+08:00

Summer
Similar
Mindset
Change
Inconstant
Tied
Freedom
Suffocate
Conflict
Oxymoron
Fate
Truth
Love
Guilt
Aware
Harm
Moving on
Life

2010-10-18T19:12:00.003+08:00

I need to
I want to
I don't know
All wrong
Screwed up
Something wrong
Something's wrong
I don't know
Can't
Difficult
Unidentifiable
Hidden
Proper
Let go
Tell me
Choke
Without tears
Warning
Foreshadowing
Speechless
Smile

2010-10-02T23:09:00.000+08:00

I just missed 1111 D:

2010-09-27T22:31:00.003+08:00

I.
Is there a need to be this way?
Don't.
Stress may be building up but I'm not your punchbag dear.
Know.
And to think it was you who said that I'm not anyone's punchbag (Y)
What.
I'm not one for these sort of things usually.
To.
More of a pacifist. 'Kay scrap that. I'm too passive.
Say.
I don't like voicing these stuff out.
Anymore.
Much less publish it on my blog.
Nothing.
I guess I'll have to apologize then.
I.
For complaining to you - for throwing rubbish at you even when I knew you aren't really a bin unlike what you claimed to be.
Apologize.
You're a landfill.
And.
Things that I fill you with will harm me in the end after it overflows.
Thank.
So I apologize for crossing that limit. I won't do that again :)
You.
I mean. In the end it's still my fault.
For.
Should have known better than to disturb and trouble you with my petty 'whining and bitching' when you're more concerned with more important things.
Everything.
Now I finally see what you mean by 'asking for trouble'!
Thus.
Maybe I really do lack common sense.
Far.
Or maybe I'm just being a big baby.
Damn.
I don't even want you to see this.
I.
I just need space to rant.
Hate.
Taking into consideration that you probably should allocate your precious time on things like studying for exams, perhaps I should talk to you less.
EOYs.
That way, I won't be a 'waste of time' anymore right?
So.
Bye!
Much.

2010-09-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

Sleeping...
Wasting...
Looking...
Waiting...
Finding...
Nothing...
Something...
Everything.

I don't get what I'm thinking.

2.32am. I need to sleep but I don't feel like it.

2010-09-17T23:12:00.006+08:00

I never liked this time of the year.
No one cares about anything else.
Nothing goes well, people start to show their ugly sides.
Impatience, frustration, depression.
Maybe I'm showing mine too - how selfish I am.
Everyone's doing the same thing I refuse to.
'Studying', 'Mug', 'EOYs' and any other words related to those three...
Why?
Hate them.
Can't stand it.
Maybe it's because I don't study.
Why do I do this to myself.
"Too laid-back"?
It's not my fault.
I don't think so.
Is it wrong?
Perhaps. But definitely not only because of that.
Everyone's...
It's not normal to be dominated by something like studies.
Different. Weird. Obsessed. Competitive. Sour.
True, the chances of you being successful in Singapore if you don't do well in academics is low.
No one really cares about anything else.
Nevertheless, screwing up your mood, your relationships, your LIFE.
Sacrificing so much.
For this?
This screwed thing.
Sorry I'm not gonna do that.

EOYs?
Screw it.
I'm not going to say that I don't care about it because I do.
But it pisses me off so much I'm not going to have anything to do with it.
EOYs?
Freak you.
The only reason why I do is because...
Of You.
I...
Of Them.
Don't...
Of Us.
Know...
Of Everything.
Everything's wrong.

2010-09-09T02:48:00.002+08:00

Happy GenNi's Birthday! :D
Think I don't have to say too much here because my 4221 words in those letters replaced them.

Trini;
I know you'll see this.
I know hehe.
Whatever that may come, we'll face it together okay!
You have no idea how much 090909 means to me :)
The way you are...
<3

2010-08-29T22:17:00.002+08:00

I'm selfish.
Sorry.
I'll try to do better next time.

Is it wrong to want to keep what you treasure?

2010-08-22T01:58:00.003+08:00

Updating because like Mytea said, I haven't been updating for a looooonnnnnng time. :D

Anyway so many things occurred in the um. 15 days (Well it's in the morning now...) my blog had been left with the birthday post (Which I didn't edit anymore despite more people wishing me :/) as the 'latest'...

Where do I start! Let's see...

CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY AT DHOBY GHAUT! (Yes. I really haven't updated since two weeks ago) We went to eat and eat and eat (HEHE) at places like Sakae and B&J - gosh burnt a hole in my new!wallet (given by paka). Took loadsa pictures and some weird guy asked for our numbers -.- (it was a dare though). Went to Plaza Sing after Trini had to leave for her piano lesson AND LOOK WHO WAS HERE! Yucky claimed we stalked him but hey I didn't even see (or hear) him and just walked past until Paka told me it was him. -.-

Then I watched Inception for a second time with Trini! :DDD It's still awesome la please I love love love loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the soundtrack! Hans Zimmer is a freaking genius <3>guy WTS HE ISN'T EVEN A GUY HE'S A FREAKING BOY when I go back to NBPS for Teacher's Day.
Or at least give him a talk. A very long one.
OVERPROTECTIVE SISTER WHATEVER.
RUI'S TOO GOOD FOR HIM D<
I DON'T TRUST GUYS EVEN AT THAT AGE DD<
HE'S A FREAKING COCKROACH DDD<
HE STALKS RUI OMFG DDDD<
WHAT IF HE FORCES RUI TO ACCEPT HIM! OMGOSH! DDDDD<
NO I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! DDDDDD<
NEBAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! DDDDDDD<
OVER MY DEAD BODY DDDDDDDD<
I'LL PERISH IF I NEED TO DDDDDDDDD<
HOW DARE HE DDDDDDDDDD<

Crushes are weird. Especially primary school ones. -.-

2010-08-07T11:20:00.025+08:00

7 August 2010
This day was a very special day in my life.
Sure, it was my birthday. But this year was just... Different.
I didn't get many presents.
Nor did I spend the whole day with my friends.
But the fact that so many people actually bothered to wish me made me really happy.

This year, many things happened right before my birthday.
And it caused me to hate it.
It was amazing how I didn't, or more like COULDN'T mope around because of all the love I got.
Everyone below made it special for me.
And on the day that marks the fifteenth year of my life, I actually had 149 people wishing me, excluding family members. Not to mention my 328 fb email notifications HAHA MAJOR SPAM MUCH?

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER,
Apaka, Trini, Amandarling, Junidear, Cherida, Meishuen, Kiki, Yucky, Ducky, Kaya, Fangwei, Cher-cher, Yufei, Wei Ling, Yingyin, Jessica, Tsz Yan, Sarah Yang, Sarah Chew, Pearl, Jingyi, Charlene, Audrey, Abigail, Wynne, Lee Sherng, Joel, Marc, Jocelyn, Hongkiat, Kimberley, Ralphie, Marianne, Mary-anne, Caleb, Tessa, Cheryl, Deric, William, Nanzheng, Yongjia, Wei Khan, Hazel, Gabriel, Pikachu, Mr Mason Tan, Armie, Sharan, Xin Yuan, Vanessa, Jeremy, Boyu, Veronica, Jeraldine, Cassandra, Nicholas, Lloyda, Jye Ting, Itta, Rachael, Sushil, Romaine, Xinhui, Nevin, Jasmine Lim, Jezminz, Siu Ming, Judith, Farhan, Fangwei, Kelly, Clara, Denise, Olivia, Joyce, Ashley, Geekit, Rachel Tay, Nicole Tan, Nicole Teo, Say-Yin, Mingxia, Chen Hui, Crystal, Pauline, Sa'aid, Shermaine, Syn Yin, Wenjie, Clarice, Wardy, Wilbert, Kimberly Toh, Emelia, Xiao Qian, Simarpreet, Ruihan, Jonathan, Shi Min, Jie Hui, Vampy, Chermaine, Arvin, Andrew, Jessica Lee, Eunice, Uruhara, Aisyah, Tan Siying, Kavitha, Goldwin, Kok Xin, Vernice, Miki, Rui Ching, Zoe, Felicia, Nigel, Amanda Quek, Tahera, Diyanah, Peining Cupcake, HakuYi, Jerry, Chester, Josh, Xin Lin, Brennan, Wainee, Peng Cheng, Ada, Charis, Lydia Lam, Samantha Toh, Yiqi, Nol, Amanda Han, Vanessa Yeo, Ruth, Arief, Chu Wen, Zekiel, Darryl, Rachel Ann Wong, Hannah, Wei Tian, Liying, Huang Jiahui,

/EDIT: Denise Yeo, Megan Chow, Amanda Sweetheart, Jessie Zheng, Charlene (LJ), Natalie = 155 people! HAHA

Mom, Dad, Big Aunt, Second Aunt, Small Aunt, Yu Zhen, Si Ying, Wei Lin, Hongjun, Grandmother

I LOVE YOU ALLLLLL! <3

2010-07-26T20:01:00.002+08:00

It's kind of sad how we have nothing to talk about these days.
Seeing your name online, opening the conversation box...
But I can't think of anything to say :/
I can't believe how I cried again last night because of you.
Somehow I think you just...
Drifted away?
I don't like this D:

I wonder if you would ever read this.
Because somehow I get the feeling you don't care anymore.
Not about me, not about us.
I rarely even see you these days.
True, it might be because of my schedule and commitments.
But I don't like how you never bother.
It's always me going to you.
It's always me trying to strike up a conversation.
But you tell me to go away.
You shoot my attempts down.

What hurts me isn't your bark because I'm used to it already.
It's the silent bite that kills.
It feels...
Weird without you.
But lately it's somehow becoming the norm I'm afraid this might be permanent.
I don't like this.
I really don't.

You're currently 'available' on MSN.
But are you available for me?
I hope you still are.
Hate the way things are going now.

2010-07-24T20:11:00.003+08:00

Today was.
A good day.

I quite like the fact that my smile never changed :)
Though my eyes still disappear I guess it's part of me.
I NEED MORE SLEEP. MY EYES ARE DISAPPEARING MORE IT'S IN CRITICAL STAGE.

2010-07-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

Sorry?
It's just a word.
It may be an expression of regret...
But does it really do anything?
Sometimes people think just by saying 'sorry' everything will be alright.
The thing is.
Even if an apology is given, nothing can be done.
How many times have there been in the world, when public apologies are made to appease the people?
How many times have there been in your life, when you said sorry for the sake of it?
Definitely, there would also be times when someone said sorry and you accepted it even though you know things will never be the same again.

Right?

2010-07-07T12:52:00.000+08:00

Shall blog about GAGA outing some other day :D

Fell sick again sigh. I'm just coughing up bloody phlegm again why do I have to go for X-ray? No way am I going to go for it. Nah-uh. I'm pretty sure even the doctor said the blood should be from my throat - so why the need for X-ray! D:

Anyway.
I haven't slept like that in a loonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time.
It's been a while since I had the time to even sleep.
Even on weekends I get woken up before I want to. :/
Loving my MC because it actually helps in getting me recover fast.
Seriously, too much things to do and so little time for it makes it hard for one to even find time for herself.

Today's a happy day :D
My grandma tied my hair for me!
Haha it may seem like a really simple thing but every time she ties my hair I feel like I'm a kid again.
Shit I'm crying HAHAHAHA.
Thinking about how there will come a time when she'll no longer be able, or even present to tie my hair, cook my meals, nag at me for being lazy etc scares me.
And that's one of the reasons for my tears I think.
I'm really scared of that day.
It's funny how the most important one in my life affects me so much.
I can't bear to even think about life without her.
I don't even want to move back to my parent's house after Jen goes to secondary school.
She's the one that matters the most.
And I want to spend more time with her so I'll have no less regrets in the future.

ANYWAY!!
Like I said, today's a happy day!
It's Elly's birthday tooooo~
Happy birthday to you Elly!

2010-06-30T23:58:00.006+08:00

OMGOMGOMGOMG I'M LIKE DAMN LATE.
ANYWAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA TAN YEE QING :D
<3 YOU!

ATYQ'S THE AWESOMEST EVER!
I think I'm really a genius la.
The name's so epic no?

<3 you guys!

2010-06-23T19:18:00.002+08:00

Stuck.
Where? Haven't got a clue.
Looking up, there's nothing but darkness.
Throat raw from all the shouts for help.
Hands scratched and torn, complete with dried blood and sweat.
Slumping down, almost all hope had been lost until sounds of movement emerged.
Did somebody come for you?
As footsteps neared, there was something amiss.
Instinctively, what will happen is already expected.
Resistance is futile.
Eyes closing, the stone and soil started raining down.

And the dangerous hole people could fall in was finally filled.

Happy Birthday :D

2010-06-21T21:11:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday Wookie <3

Stay cheerful, happy and the always adorable Kim Ryeowook that we know okay! No matter what may come in the future, you'll always be our eternal maknae and we'll always support you! You'll always be the sensitive, sweet, caring, motherly, cute, mature, sacrificing, selfless, angelic Ryeowook who is so much more than what words can describe. :)

2010-06-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

I just want the weekends to be over quickly...
So I can finally get on with my life.

Don't need no Starbucks

2010-06-19T09:55:00.000+08:00

I've realised.
I only get into the mood of doing work in the middle of the night after 10/11pm.
But I never get any done because just when I've decided to take out my work, I'm asked (forced) to sleep.
Life's horrible recently - sleep at 1, wake up at 6/ sleep at 1, wake up at 9 for weekdays and weekends respectively.
I miss the times when I could laze around all day and even rot at home. Those are the true holidays, not the pathetic non-existent one that I have now.

Wondering if anyone noticed...

2010-06-17T18:13:00.002+08:00

My June holidays this year certainly do not seem like holidays.
I have something on every single day that requires me to wake up early in the morning, and even stay out for most of the day.
Somehow I wonder why I even bother anymore...
Often, I ask how did I get myself into so many things that require commitment...
And even I find it amazing how I have survived thus far with my lack of self-discipline.
But this isn't the point.
It has just hit me that the third week of the holidays are already coming to an end.
And that just means that there really isn't a 'holiday' for me at all since the whole of next week (including weekends) are all filled up in my schedule.
I don't know why am I doing all these.
And I no longer see the point in anything.
I'm not exactly emo, but just being reflective?
Everything's so screwed this year.
I hardly talk to any of my good friends, much less go out with them.
It's just.
Work, work and more work.
Come to think of it, I haven't started on a single one.
All the best to me.

2010-06-08T19:58:00.002+08:00

Today is a good day :)

I've been in a pretty bad mood recently - which I blame PMS for.
But my mood's better today.

Working doesn't sound all that fun anymore after two days.
I guess that's the true meaning of job attachment no?
Perhaps it is due to the fact that we are still students we don't get many interesting things to do...
But I'm sure I've caught a little glimpse of what working life is like.

Job attachment is indeed enriching to me in a sense.
I'm not trying to write a reflection here or anything but I think I've learnt a lot in just two days.
I had been complaining(?) about typing in Chinese yesterday while collating the feedback results and I really disliked that job. And it seems that after trying to be more positive I got work done faster and even kind of grew to like it!

Trini's been stuck with her thick book of churches in Singapore and she really hates independent churches now HAHA. While my current job is to amend the changes on every single one of the one thousand copies of the handout. Nice eh?

Have been spending lots of money this week.
Working without pay while spending so much doesn't seem that enticing to me.
Monday: $13.50
Tuesday: $7
So far: $20.50
And that is already more than my whole week worth of allowance. Darn.

Oh and before I forget to mention, the people at AHD are really nice!
Funny and friendly. They really welcome us to their office :)

2010-06-06T13:40:00.000+08:00

Something's really off today.